Bracken on what it means to be an animal:

Animal. Even you lot invented that word. People never wonder what it’s like to speak a language created by a different species. Every word I use to describe myself: Dog, orange, grumpy, even my name were invented by humans. That’s the first thing that jars.

Then there’s the fact I don’t think like you. I don’t care about money, or territory, or culture. I remember there was some upset because a bunch of you had decided you didn’t want to be part of Europe, or some other stupid name. And I’m like, what do I care? I’m still living on the run, doesn’t affect me. You people will always use some excuse to fight or call one another names, what difference does it make if you’re independent or not?

Being an animal means you don’t care about borders. There are some places you stay away from because they’re bad places, but even us animals can get cocky. We only do what we need to survive, we don’t question the consequences or the morality. I’m not saying we always get it right. I often think I get it wrong. But that’s because I have the privilege of thinking that way. Privilege. Just another human word. You people do have an awful lot of words.

I suppose I shouldn’t complain because I do use those words, and some of them are quite nice. I’m gradually learning the concept of swear words and it’s surprising satisfying. Now I’m going to go off an learn some more, and I will come back and make your hair stand one end, so I will.

Bracken out.

Bracken waxes lyrical on the subject of fire:

So fire, eh? What I can breathe with my mouth. You want me to talk about fire? Is it because I’m orange? Well, alright.

It’s hot, fire. Very hot. As in, so hot you really don’t want to touch it. Unless you’re me, of course. I can touch fire, lick it, eat it. ‘Cos I’m immune, see? All part of the package. I breathe fire, I become cloaked in fire and I can touch it all I want. Smoke’s no bother, either. Everyone else should be careful of smoke because it chokes them and causes all sorts of trouble.

Met this kid once, what you’d call a teenager. He knew who I was ‘cos he’d seen my video, you know the one, where me and Fang asked people not to bomb the rats. Anyway, he says to me he’s obsessed with fire. Can’t get enough of it. Keeps playing with one of those funny little lighters of yours. I get bored of listening to him and breathe out and set his shoes on fire. He loved that, once he was over the shock. I will never understand you humans. You know fire’s dangerous, you know it kills, but you keep on using it like there’s no tomorrow. Some day it’ll catch up with you, you know.

Bracken out.

More thoughts from my friend Bracken:

So I met this dog once called Gromit. Funny looking thing, big brown bow ears and he never made a sound, though I can tell you he had the most piercing eyes of any animal I’ve ever met.

Anyway he was working on some contraption designed to light fire, apparently he wanted it to be safe for human hands. Gromit himself seemed quite capable with is paws despite the lack of opposable thumbs, but he was having trouble with this thing. It was built and all, but he couldn’t light anything with it. He’d set up one of those outdoor stoves you get and was trying unsuccessfully to light the inside with this weird blower thing.

So after watching him for a bit, I walked up and blew once and the oven was burning nice and brightly. Well, dear old Gromit nearly had a heart attack. Offered me a job there and then. Not sure what the job would have been on the grounds he didn’t speak, but it was one of my more memorable encounters with a fellow beast.

Hello and greetings to you, I started this website with a view to creating a weekly blog, but since I am too lazy to do such a thing, I have asked my friend Bracken to do a guest blog. Some of you may know Bracken as the fire breathing dog from my most recent effort Evolution. Bracken my dear, over to you.

Yeah, so that weird human with the red hair has asked me to record a blog for… someone. Readers? Don’t make me laugh. Obviously I can’t write the thing myself on account of not having opposable thumbs, so I’ve recorded a voice over which Charles is going to type up and post on his Youtube page. Told you he’s weird.

So what am I going to talk about?

Well, there’s being a dog. It’s not much fun. You get to run around a lot I suppose, but given I’ve never been anything other than a dog I suppose I can’t much compare it to anything else. Tell you what though, I’ve never really socialised with other dogs. The language barrier is a bit of a challenge. I mean I can understand them, because of body language and stuff like that. Oh, and there’s a surprising amount of meaning in a bark. For example, you may think every dog barking sounds the same but a short bark could mean anything from ‘Get off my territory before I rip your leg off’ to ‘I’m hungry, when’s dinner?’

So you see, we dogs lead complex inner lives. Or at least I do. Like I said, I don’t much talk to other dogs.

Bracken out.